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Diary Installment 17: An optimistic person, a small business, and a mom. This is my diary of sharing, in hopes that we create a sense of community and stick together through this unimaginable time.
Ummmm, is this pandemic over yet? I came back from New Hampshire where I worked-out, worked on JW and played with my summer friends…skipped the news but NOT the wine – and when I returned I was not refreshed, I had just hidden away from reality.
After coming back to Pennsylvania and diving back into the office, I only had a few days before I took my oldest daughter to school. I was very sad, and I found myself letting my emotions get the best of me…or the worst.
After getting back from Atlanta (yes I am alive and COVID free thank goodness) I had to have a little heart to heart with myself. I am tired of the pandemic. I am so tired of the news and the constant ‘end of days’ doom and gloom. I said to myself – I HAVE TO TAKE MY LIFE BACK.
I have always believed that you make your own way in life, you make you own luck, you make your own bed…you are in charge of how things turn out for YOU. It’s the work you put in, it’s the attitude, it’s the perseverance, it’s goal setting – it’s allowing yourself to be happy and focus on the good not the bad. I was always determined to ‘happen to my life’ as opposed to ‘have life happen to me’. But…this pandemic. I realize NOW that when this all started…it happened to me. It happened to us. We heard about it on the news, we watched it spread, we listened to the news of people getting sick and dying, we closed down our lives…it all happened TO US. Not much we could do or control, it was a lesson in adjusting to the threat and changing reality. Adapt. Stay safe. I felt helpless.
When the black lives matter movement ‘happened’ (which is just the wrong word but you understand). I felt scared. I felt guilty. I felt unable to do anything right. It was happening, and nothing I did or said felt like it did anything because the roots of racism were too deep for a white-girl-jewelry-designer-MOM to do anything about. I felt helpless.
With politics right now. WOW - it is overwhelming the divide in this country, my friends, my family. It feels like it is being shoved at me everywhere I turn. I’m unhappy with it and tired of it. I feel helpless to make change.
You know what? I am so sick of feeling like a rag doll getting thrown around with all this STUFF. Yes, important stuff and life threatening stuff…but all of it - the big giant wall of it – I’m sick of feeling like it is all happening to me (to us).
I decided on the plane back from Atlanta that I had to take my life back. I had to get more mentally and physically strong so that I could not only handle the news, but I could take action to make my world better. I don’t want to feel battered by the end of day because I watched the news, worked my buns off and didn’t get as far as I wanted, drank too much wine and then felt weak the next day. Sorry, I’m just not doing that anymore.
I said to Doug, “I have to get stronger to so can handle all this. I have to take away the things that make me weak. I have to build my fortitude and resiliency back up. I have to level off. I have to feel in control.”
HAAAAAA easier said than done but this is what I’ve been doing to change where I am:
- Weekly GOALS! Yes! I love goals. I need just a little more focus in my life and a list of 6ish things that HAVE to happen this week are helping me stay on task and feel accomplished. Of course there are a million (literally a million) other things I get done in a week, but the list of goals is must do, bigger nuggets, do not put off things.
- I am watching the news LESS, and watching tv less in general. Not, not at all…but less. News every other day.
- Reading and educating myself MORE. I am turning off the tv and reading before bed. I am listening to the coolest Masterclass on the grit needed to build a brand. I listened to a podcast about the systemic racism embedded in the mortgage and real estate world. These things are making me feel like I can have an impact.
- Exercising with intent. I always exercise but I’m just more into it. Running faster, up the hills.
- Drinking less…not NO DRINKING but a lot a lot a lot less. Like I used to have 2 drinks a week night – that’s 14 drinks a week! OMG that’s painful to write down. I’ve cut that in half, so much less of that depressant making me feel frayed in the morning.
- Valuing my sleep. When I wake-up in the middle of the night I say to myself over and over – sleep is good for you, you need this, let yourself sleep.
- I’m looking to the future. This ties back to goals but more than just weekly I am really planning my business for the holiday. NOT thinking “well who knows what will happen” but putting a plan into place of what I want to happen so I can make it happen.
I have to say, one week down and I am REALLY into it. I am so excited about the progress I am making. This feeling of control is allowing me to concentrate on what matters to me….being a solid foundation for my family, building a business I am proud of, educating myself on racism and finding ways I can be a part of change. I am waking up with a fighter’s spirit.
So…I don’t know if you are feeling a little beaten down or overwhelmed. If you are – man I get it. I know there are a lot of people who are, and I know I could feel that way AGAIN. So while I am strong I am going to make the most out of it. We can do it. We have to make it better – we have to do the work and we have to be strong. I’m not going to let it take me down…not this week at least.
Sending tons of love,
xx Jane
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